New Stock Market Terms

 CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
     
 CFO -  Corporate Fraud Officer
     
 BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
 
 BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
     
 VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
     
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
     
 BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.
     
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
     
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
     
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
     
 MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
     
 CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
     
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
     
 WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
     
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
   
 PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.
 

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 If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
 
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG
one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
 
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers
 one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
 
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer
one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you will have received $214.00.
     
 Based on the above, the best current investment plan
is to drink heavily & recycle.   
 It's called the   401-Keg.